Mekarnya Seroja

2005-10-19T20:51:00.000+08:00

am i over-reacting? i hope im not. nanti ape pulak aku dikenakan lagi. . i really don't know where i stand. so be it. i'll not move to anything. even so if i AM over-reacting it hurt me so badly. maybe you wouldnt understand. you wouldnt understand if i said im hurt. i may be just over sensitive.. too green.. cant understand life and so on. i know.. sometimes im just.. i dont know... never mind.. you wouldnt understand. im not hanging dirty linens.. im just saying out my feelings..its what i feel. i know we're gonna fight because of this.

2005-09-17T00:24:00.000+08:00

biar terlerai segala cerita
tanpa ku tahu semua neraka
biar ia hidup semula
dalam jasad ku hidup syurga
terselindung kata mustika
tarian merana dunia
sketsa dwibahasa
coretan insan semata
buat dengaran anak anak tadika
di tapis kisah cinta
kepunyaan majnun dan laila
mencari si dia dalam belantara
takut kehilangan dalam samudera
tartakluk jiwa separuh nyawa
biarkan, ia hanya cereka
"bukan cinta luarbiasa"
itu lah kata nenek tua
tidur diriku nyenyak sediakala
mimpi ini buat mengisi masa
bukan realiti semasa
hanya sketsa, madah panorama
adakah aku buta
tanpa ku sedar aku sudah meninggalkan semuanya
aku takkan berpaut tanpa merana
ini adalah dunia
diam semua aku akan ke neraka dunia
hidup mati ku di dalam tangannya
akan ku jatuh jika terpaksa
aku rela...

2005-04-04T23:17:00.000+08:00

sesungguhnya masa mencari mangsa. dahulu aku menantikan ketibaanmu diambang pintu menyujud dan meminta ku pulang kepada dakapan mu itu. memang ada betulnya perbualan orang... dengan masa semuanya pudar. bukan ku bermaksud dikau sudah ku lupakan tetapi aku tidak lagi mengharap harapkan kepulangan mu lagi. tiada lagi tangisan yang boleh ku curahkan. aku ingin melangkah jauh tetapi masih ada kasih sayang di lubuk hati ini. sememangnya ku pasrah. aku mencari kehidupan baru bersama insan yang sudi menerima ku sebegini. jauh bezanya. tetapi mengapakah engkau ku ingati selalu? haruskah kamu masih berlengah lengah lagi? capai tangan ku ini... kerana dengan waktu semuanya akan mati...

2005-03-26T03:13:00.000+08:00

im totally confused with my life. all these times i've tried to shake him off was futile. i've tried almost everything... go out with different people, tried to resume back my crazy social life, tried to love someone else... whatever "solutions" there was... its hard... so very hard. i tried not calling him or contacting him but my fingers are itshing to. bottom line is... i just miss him. so much. i do love him still. A LOT. tapi apa guna menyayangi seseorang itu jikalau tidak dapat merealisasinya? wake up linda.. oh please. how long more can you do this to yourself? aren't you tired? yes i am... i just want everything to be like it was before. before we fought. before this whole mess started. but will he even realize that i still love him? does he even know or want to know? 9 months... 9 months of loving down the drain. i know to some its not long but to me those 9 months were everything to me. everybody wants me to move on.. why? cant i just love him still? must i be with someone else? i know that the choice has been made but i still cant accept it. im just trying to zone out for now. aku rindu dia. aku menyayangi tiap detik yang pernah aku alami semasa aku bersamanya. i know its a test but im breaking down. why must i cry still? why must sadness lingers everywhere i go? come on linda. bounce back! i will but when? deep in my heart i still have him. god, why cant i let him go? why must i still hold on to him? to all the memories? i cant move on without him by my side. i hate this pain im going through... i just wished everything was back to normal. i cant bear looking at his pictures anymore. the more i see the more i cry. i've even given him a personalized ringtone for whenever he calls me. im just waiting for him to call.. thats all. im going crazy. its true what i said on my first entry... kalau dia pergi akan ku layu. i cant help it. im so sorry baby but i cant help it. i still love you. i cant lie to myself anymore. i really cant. im so sorry. the choice of loving is still mine. i still cant let you go. please come back.

2005-03-21T02:11:00.000+08:00

for once open up your eyes and see and please listen.
not all things are as what you perceive.
dont be dumb.
you have a brain use it!

2005-03-09T22:54:00.000+08:00

to rush

i am sorry if what i've written hurt you so. this blog is my only source of ventilation of my feelings to what had happened in my life. yes i was pissed but i took my anger too far. if you were angry with my updates you have every right to be so. but please bear in mind that i treat my blog very dearly to me. yes your friends and mine will be able to see my posts but to me a blog equates to my diary; one that i treasure very much. i respect your decision to move on with your life and i wish you all the best in your endeavors. i know i am in the wrong to burst out my feelings but that was what i truly felt at that point of time. mungkin pada masa ini hati kita tak bersatu mungkin keadaan tidak menentukan. but i still sincerely love you still and masih menaruh harapan bagi you. i leave the choice to you to give me a second chance... now its my turn to come down to my knees in hope that there is time to start anew. biar masa jadi penentuan dalam kehidupan ini..

yang benar
linda..

2005-03-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

im trying to change... please just give me time. im trying to stop all of my idiosyncrasies without causing hurt to anybody. yes, you told me to look out for number one but this number one has other numbers to look out for too...blame it on my self that i am always thinking about others first. i am who i am. no im not trying to change myself ok... i know that there are things in my life that i have to get rid off but 21 days makes a habit... i just need to keep improvising on it a bit at a time. i aint no magician and i dont control the timing! when i say im not going somewhere that means I AM NOT. dont probe on it. i know you are looking for someone to be with in the next level and so am i. i dont want to lose anybody anymore you know... ive had enough! most importantly, i dont want to lose you. im sick of looking into our pics crying and thinking what had happened over and over again. no im not breaking down im just lamenting on why should it happen. yes i know your reasons... you dont have to hammer it into my brains anymore. i just need a whole lotta time. thats all! can you give that to me?

2005-03-04T03:54:00.000+08:00

im confused with my own self. i really hope this spectre would pass. i kinda miss my past...

2005-03-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

im tired... so, so tired of what's happening in my life. all this shit that is around me is just too overwhelming most of the time. sometomes i just wished that death would befall me. maybe that is a lame getaway but yes... i wished i could just be erased from the face of this earth. i'm rethinking of what had recently happened and why it must happen. my life is just so messed up. i'm just a walking wreck. i hate this. i want to end it asap. i just wish this throbbing would stop in my head. i want my life back... that's all.

2005-03-01T13:20:00.000+08:00

To Rush...

As the book was closing the mark is there. One's life will go on but the pain is left to bear.
It will heal, yes... but with time. remember i am waiting for that book mark to be touched again. When it's time for you to read that chapter, please open up the book to continue with the story.
Thank you... Remember what you promised me, Rush..

Yours truly,
Linda

Ps: Memories are meant to be shared... i dont forget that.

2005-02-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

aku redha biarpun badai menyambar juga
akan ku tunggu untuk masanya
untuk diriku dihidupkan semula
aku adalah aku semata mata
ancai jiwaku mendengar ajiannya
walaupun padaku itu lumrah manusia
akan ku hadapi tanpa kekata
jatuhlah segala impian cinta
tinggal ikatan patungnya sahaja
tergunting jatuh bersepah kaca
berdera dek halus jiwaku juga
akan ku tabah meneroka buana
biar aku sekali lagi tiada amara
akan ku nantikan juga kepulangannya
supaya impianku tercapai juga

~akhir kekata anja manira
puspa halus tiupan durjana~

2005-02-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

maafkan aku jika ku bersalah
kerana ku tahu engkau sedang menunggu
aku tidak bermaksud untuk memarah
tidak juga mahu berhelah
aku masih menunggu masa
mahu lagi merasa kepuasan dunia
aku masih muda...
ibarat seorang bayi mahu merangkak
aku ingin menyambar kepakku juga
tidak ku mahu engkau diketepikan
aku cuma mahu ketenangan fikiran
adakah diam mu bermaksud marah
adakah ia ejekkan semata-mata?
maafkan daku jika aku berdiam juga
aku mahu merasa kejahatan juga
aku tahu tidak aku sepatutnya
tetapi maafkan aku kerana aku hijau semata-mata

2005-02-23T01:47:00.000+08:00

apakah itu asmaradana?
cinta mistik yang lahir dalam lara? ataukah ia permainan emosi sahaja? mestikah cinta itu berkata sudah ataukah ia masih meneruskan perjalanannya? walaupun berlainan masa tetapi satu dunia berkehidupan di bawah satu syurga. mengapa mesti ia mencucuk jiwa dan membongkarkan beberapa masalah? apakah itu makna cinta sebenarnya... cinta suci tak kenal harta atau rupa. tetapi mengapa menjadi penghalang keikhlasan csyurga dunia? sudah penat aku mimpikan indah cinta bilakan lagi ia menjelma...

2005-02-18T00:23:00.000+08:00

Find your Role-PlayingStereotype at mutedfaith.com.

2005-02-17T00:31:00.000+08:00

im soooooo tired of school... cant wait for it to close next week. donnoe why im so off these days... i gotta see a shrink i think...

2005-02-13T04:30:00.000+08:00

Vodka

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by

2005-02-13T04:11:00.000+08:00

there will be a point in time where you just stop thinking of what's wrong in your life or all the cares that's bothering you. my ex boyfriend is married and is having a son.. soon. now, how did THAT happen??? i was with him only 10 months ago. well mayeb i was dumb i guess. thats me... gullible. thinking back, i noticed how much of a player i was--- changing boyfriends like they are some kinda discarded tampon. but that was all guys were for me back then. a rotting piece of substance left to be disposed by the garbage man. well yes im attached now and i guess some of you would be telling yourself how muchof a bitch i am. reminder ok... that was a long time ago. rushdi and me, well... we're getting along fine... things kinda looking up a bit. i want this to last. i sick of changing guys... mental-wise im tired. pysically im just too uptight to get to know more guys although im ok with having lotsa friends. love to me is still an idyllic structure. kinda lost in getting the correct equation of a "happy ending". but then i still have my whole life ahead of me to find it right? i had this dream a few days before-- aomething about me getting engaged. i want that to happen. i want to have someone to spend my life with. i don't know whether i'll be able to go through it but let's just wait and see aite?

school kinda suck nowdays now that my compuer is down. im kinda lost in the homework area but im catching up on it... my brain has since stop functioning in class and i've zombied out quite alot but i'm trying to pull myself back into this realm where grades dont fall from the sky.

well let's see when i intend to write again ok?
muahkszz people...

2005-02-09T01:51:00.000+08:00

i honestly dont know whats wrong in my life.

2005-01-04T01:48:00.000+08:00

pulanglah dikau pada yang menyinta
jauhi sarira dari yang dicinta
biarlah hilang segala dosa
jangan lagi berdarah di neraka dunia
tanpa dikecap jasad yang tiada
akan kau ku kenang setiap masa
terjurus diam dahaga malapetaka
diamlah dikau buat selamanya
sungguh agungnya dikau ku cinta
ku sujud menyembah kehadiran nur NYA

2004-12-18T15:49:00.000+08:00

leraian cinta bak gelora asmara bilakan ia tercapai juga?
mestikah aku menghayutkan bahtera
demi merasa kenikmatan cintanya?
mestikah aku menjadi boneka menyimpan kekata
disebalik mata permata kaca?
sudikah engkau menjadi nakhoda yang sanggup
menghidupkan bahtera semula?

2004-12-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

wow... it's seriously been a long time since i blogged. life's is basically ok... tak sehyper dulu la... quite mundane nowadays. did a bit of soul searchin... found out that i AM confused in life. can't deny it anymore. in another month or so im gonna turn 19. man... i gotta wake up soon and smell the coffee. life is not that long for me to enjoy anymore. the world too is not perfect. im scared of my own shadow now. everywhere around me people are crying, hearts are breaking and love is lost. aku takut ah... love by actual fact is the thing that makes the world go round, love can bring a smile and its can also make you down. whats love all about anyway? i just wished my chapters of life in love is not as bad as others. sure there's shit in my life but i can overcome it, can't i? mestikah aku masih terkapai kapai mencari kehadiran kasih sayang yang sejati lagi? mestikah ia masih menjadi sumber kewarasan ku ini? kenapa mesti ia bergitu? kenapa mesti aku mengorak langkah menjelajah denai arus percintaan? dunia... kerana cinta hiduplah manusia dan kerana ia jasad merana...

2004-11-21T10:54:00.000+08:00

terpaut sejak pertemuan itu
hati ku begetar ingin mengenalimu
setiap malam wajahmu terbayang
disaksikan sinar rembulan
titisan hujan bagaikan harapan ku
bintang di langit tak mungkin kan tercapai
tinggi gunung jadi penghalang hasrat ku oh sayang
lautan api...
sudah pun ku renangi
ku ukirkan namamu dihati yg jadi pujaan ku
kebahagiaan terpancar indah tapi hanya dgn sekelip mata
sekeping hati yg sudah berpunya pergi dan takkan kembali

2004-11-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

haiz.. tiring first day for raya... got comments for my eyes though~ huahuahuuah who can not love my eyes~? hahahahha...

2004-11-09T10:42:00.000+08:00

im in love falling in love and loved. depends on how you see it love is coming from all directions. but i still want to pave my way in my storybook. got the characters set and im back.

hari raya is coming and im still half way done with cleaning my room... (anybody care to help?) tired la.... work and stuff like that. got this really cute bag for the occasion. im going bohemian for first day raya. decked myself with natural stones and stuff. not gonna go traditional like my mom and be a mami jarum lookalike with jewellery mummifying her. noooooo way. shoes? aint gonna buy em anymore cos i have a cupboard full of those. the last time i counted i had 7 heels 2 adidas 20 odd slippers but i always use the same pair of havainas over and over again! no wonder my mom went ballistic everytime i buy a new set of shoes. heheheh. coupling wit me bro this raye.. pinky-brown. sweet right????!!!. i wanna go simple ah... dont wanna be a christmas tree.

well my friends wanted to go tanning the second week of raya. hahaha... cant bear to be a goodie two shoes for long. i gotta shed some skin asap! wanna let the sun lick me till im sore.. (oh ok that sounds very provocative..) hahahhaha! wanna look like j lo when school starts. change my dressing and all. school linda is back and im catwalking my way in!

2004-11-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

You're a "Red Angel" and just becauseit's red doesn't mean blood or something.Actually, it stands for an angel in love.You're obsessed with one person and can't getyour mind off them and it's eating you away alittle. You'd do anything for them and waitpatiently for the day they return the feelings.You're a hopeless romantic and little thingslike roses and hugs charm you. You're veryaffectionate but you're shy. You're afraid ofgetting rejected. Think if it this way, thebrave may not live forever but the catiousnever live at all. Don't be afraid to show yourfeelings. (if you cannot see the pics, go near the
bottom of my homepage and find your result.
look closely to make sure your look in the
right place)

What Color Angel Are You? (ANIME PICS)
brought to you by

2004-10-31T03:54:00.000+08:00

kau lah segalanya... this song really means much to me. it really conveys what i'm trying so hard to say. i know in life one have no power to force things to happen but hopefully what i hope for will happen. yes, there is no such thing as a happy ending cos in reality, a story never ends. chapters of our story brings out different scenarios which would trigger a certain momentum in the next few pages. i know for my own self that i am capable of finding my own ending for certain chapters of my storybook, but, i truly hope i would continue the rest of my journey with you. the past is irreversible and cannot be re-written again. somehow, fate is the author of our lives and we are the characters. i hope all is not lost. i am able to live with my life and i am sorry certain episodes of my life had been a drama that caused some friction in this chapter. i sincerely hope that what you promised would happen. till then... i will wait although waiting rips me in two, till then...

2004-10-29T01:34:00.000+08:00

take my photo of the wall if my photo won't sing for you anymore...

2004-10-27T04:48:00.000+08:00

why must you creep up to me today
and why must you take my happiness away?
why are you feeling so down
why have your smiles are only frowns?
why must the world give me such fate
and why must love sours to hate?
if i am a puppet in a play
why aren't you the audience, why can't you stay?
why must you pass me by
are all your truths just a lie?
should you play with numbers: all this "age"
so why till now must you carnage?
if i was so dumb to fall in love with you
why did it feel so liberating and so true?
why can't you give us an eternity
to feel happy like a fairytale fantasy.
why are all your secrets yet untold
to let me know let it unfold?
as all my tears streaked like blood flow,
i'm trying so hard to let you go.
i try so bad to dream it all away
but all i dreamt was for you to stay!
i'm helpless deep buried in my thoughts
but helpless was i eventhough i fought
why was our "love" so abstract so base?
why are you just giving me a face?
am i so green for you suddenly?
but my colour brought you to me!
you told me once i let you free
your inner child liberated suddenly...
so did your heart told you to stop it now?
did it stop you from loving me somehow?
questions are all that comes to me
the kinds that i fail to answer so terribly.
why are you like this to me
did i do something wrong, did i rushdi?
i know for sure you won't see me again
i know for sure you want me as a "friend"
but friends are we i surely can't see
cause all these while you were my baby.
someone that i love so tenderly
to caress to touch: just you and me
my heart's in pain i'm insane
dear god here my body lain
cut throat deep cut through my vein
take my soul and free my pain
for now i happiness meant nothing to me
as happiness was there and he left me.
so now dear god hear me as i pray;
please let him come back to me today.
thats all wanted before i die
to be happy together, him and i
till death i leave you with your happiness to find
till then my love, i'll disappear with time...

2004-10-27T02:04:00.000+08:00

aku terkapai kapai mendakap sesuatu yg susah ku kecap

tidak dapat ku rasa manik manik cinta yg pernah di mandikan

sayang...

aku yg terlepas didalam denau cinta ini

aku yg tenggelam di sebalik arus amarah yg kian menguncak

kenapa mesti ini semua terjadi?

mengapa harus kau menghilangkan diri?

setelah engkau bagaikan hembusan nafas menghidupkan ku semula

kau juga bagai manikam menusuk kalbuku juga

mengapa?

mengapa harus kau berbuat sedemikian

selepas aku menghadiahkan kau cinta yg tulus itu?

adakah ini balasan yg harus ku terima?

setelah aku dibelengu onak cinta mengapa harus kau pergi jua

tidak kah cukup diriku ini?

apakah lagi kekurangan ku lagi?

apakah aku ini harus mengikut kekata mu juga?

bukankah ku manusia?

berfikiran mempunyai cita rasa?

adakah aku harus melayan karenah mu yg

mahuku duduk di situ sahaja?!

tidak!

tidak kan sekali ku tega...

biarkan kali ini aku berduka cita

biarkan aku yg merana

aku tahu cinta itu buta

tetapi ku tahu hati ku celik matanya

walaupun kekatamu masih terngiang di telinga

aku tutup suara mu dgn paksa

biarkan aku lupa semuanya

walaupun ku tahu engkau yg ku cinta

walaupun ku tahu engkau lah raja

engkau lah semua di hati ku yg buta

kerana engkau yg ku cinta

buat selamanya...

sayang aku kehilangannya semua...

berakhirnya episod cinta kita: rushdi & linda

2004-10-25T18:19:00.000+08:00

its funny how the world is... a minute ur so blissfully in love another ur down in ur knees crying ur heart out. as for me, today is probably a day of sorrows. we broke up today. im still confused though... y cant i be his pillar of strength now? y must he do things alone? like he said i tried the hardest in trying to connect to him. he knows that so why cant he open up to me? y must he keep covering up his true self? im soo lost now. when i finally found someone who is worthy of a companionship in my parents's eyes, he flies off again. yeah i love you. i wished you had thought of how well i can cope if i had helped you. i know i can. too bad you can't see us there... maybe fairytale endings really do not happen in real life. maybe...

2004-10-20T02:43:00.000+08:00

i really hate people who think im worth nothing. im going crazy because of them. who are you to me? nothing. get a life dude. my past IS my past no use delving into the matter. fuck up would ya?

2004-10-18T21:14:00.000+08:00

didalam kekata aku terseksa

menyelam denai dedaun sengsara

kelam sengsari manira gelora

salai buahan himpunan selera

menitik darah di atas bahtera

tiada abang sarira meneroka

taman si dara menjadi empunya

melepaskan geram sekian selama

lemah longlai dara terdera

terkapai tangan meminta pinta

walaupun kata nya sayang segala

pintu cinta jangan dibuka

sesudahnya cerita manira asmarandata

2004-10-17T23:46:00.000+08:00

i miss rushdi. haiz..
i miss my old friends
i miss the good old times
why can't life be so simple?
why must friends play out friends?
i hate you people... u know who u are.
why do u guys want to make someone else fall?
i thought u guys were supposed to be a team?!
dammit what "team" is this?
u instilled propagandas within your cliques
thats dumb!
get a life and open up your eyes
the only ones who are in deep shit is you!

2004-10-11T21:06:00.000+08:00

well, got back my arts in context paper... got only a credit. hate that feeling... was expecting a distinction though... haiz... never mind, better luck next time.

2004-10-10T03:19:00.000+08:00

You have a twisted soul! Twisted Souls are never
bad, and actually, are a rarity amongst souls.
These souls are a little combination of
everything, with always a little of their own
chaos to add. Twisted Souls are kind, loving,
weird, zany, temperamental, and very talented.
They have their own firm opinion, and can at
one time be very outspoken and passionate, and
the other time shy and feeling insignificant.
Twisted Souls have good senses of Humor and
other times can be a bore. You can act quite
intelligent at one time, and grasp concepts
easily, while other times they can find it
difficult to understand. Twisted Souls are
always very fun and Kind, and can be party
animals. But, if you love someone, youre
serious about it, intense, and forever loyal.
Congratulations-the world should have more like
you.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by

2004-10-10T02:49:00.000+08:00

am i always in the wrong? asal dalam pergaduhan macam aku aje yg terasa bersalah? kenape aku yg memaksa diri aku untuk meminta maaf? what? was tis all that i asked for? in all my years of looking for a soulmate why must you keep putting me down? aku tak dipujuk tak dibelai tak dimanjakan disaat2 yang betul2 mencabar kasih sayang yang penat lelah aku kutip dan aku cantumkan selepas ia berkali2 jatuh berkecai? im like any other girl. ada keinginan kemanjaan. aku slalu memikirkan kesajahteraan kau. tetapi kenapa aku slalu tidak merasakan ia juga? mengapa setiap kali kita bertikam lidah aku yang mengalah? aku tak mahu cinta yang berakhir dipertengahan jalan. tidak mahu juga impian yang tidak di realisasikan... cuma mahligai indah di awanan. ada kalanya kawan2 ku menegurku akan jauhnya umur aku dan kau dan mungkin ia adalah faktor utama kita berkelahi. tetapi pada pendapat aku umur adalah nombor yang dipertikaikan oleh sosial. aku tidak ada masalah kerana jarak jauh kita berdua. tetapi mengapa kita slalu bergaduh? have you ever thought of that? im confused. seriously i am. lat sehari dua akan kita bergaduh lagi. sometimes at times like these i've thought of giving up. bukan kah ada lagi yang sanggup menyayangi aku? tetapi aku masih menyayangi kau. thats what keeping me in this relationship, rushdi. i may not be like other girls that you've met before but thats me. what you see is what you get. i am manja. i yearned to be affectionate. but please, accept me as i am. aku bukan microchip yang boleh diubahsuai. i am human after all. sesekali aku ingin dihargai. itu sahaja kehendak aku. untuk merasa kasih sayang. please... rushdi, grant me this wish. i don't wish to cry anymore. i've had enough of it.

2004-10-06T01:43:00.000+08:00

sayang sayang abang adik sayang giler bayang
sayang sudah terlambat sangat nak terus terang
sayang kasih abang adik hancur buang sembarang
sayang ada orang masuk jalan potong orang
susah adik nak cakap kenapa abang adik buang
susah adik nak luah bukan lah abang yang adik kenang
harap abang tidak mengamok jadi marah macam beruang
adik minta maaf abang kene duduk sorang sorang

alamak... writer's block ah... shit man!

2004-10-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

Well R is recuperating well. thats good to hear. but however, last sunday's competition has faced out some other chapters of my life... kene bahase teruk sak: "eh ko... aku tgk satu2 kumpulan ade ex ko"... ish... aku tahu la aku ni dulu player... da berubah per... ko pon... skarang R ade kan... aku nak jadi one-man woman la.. ish... buat aku peng jek. boring ah... abeh bila nak alik aku duduk sebelah best friend aku. ade ke patut bebudak aku ni couple harapan ngan si dektu? huahuahuuaua sorry ah geng we best friend je la. nak tunggu kiter couple tak leh ah geng. i lup him very much loike mah brader noh~~~
adel reply interview lambat so presentation very brief... aku tak tido noh!!!! chek penat tau! huahuahuahuau... da kenaper sak sumer org... satu2 buat hal... chek tak tahan! haiz... aku nak holiday ah... sape2 nak sponsor aku pi bintan dipersilakan! favour ah... pat banyan tree resort... nak expensive sikit. hauahuahu... like real... as if someone is gonna do that!
this 7th im supposed to watch AK's concert with R. abe dier sakit lak... ish... kalau leh aku nak gi ngan dier... abe tix da beli... aku pi ngan si kuching pat skola tu... huahuuahua cute ah.
eh aku nak sponsored trip to bintan lah! part mane korang tak paham nih????

2004-10-02T01:49:00.000+08:00

i hate people who think they are so good! fuck out you! if girls are bitches and so is your mom then!

2004-09-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

R was admitted and im so sad... terkancheong skejap. hmmm... at least he finally could rest for a while. r is very busy most of the time so now's the time for him to catch some serious shut eye... thank god im staying at dee's house for a few days to complete our project. her house is closer to the hospital comparitive to mine. and school is along the way too! hehhehehe... its been some time since ive met him and i missed him so. went to the hospital just now and the nurses told me that he's still in the operation room. haiz... missed my chance of giving him a hug. never mind there's always tomorrow.

yesterday was sri temasek 2004. i helped out in the organising committee for the design of the stage. oh yeaahh~~~ people loved it. balinese themed with candles everywhere and all.. even a school wanted to buy our left overs of materials to recreate something of what what we did. hehehehe... naik ah standard aku sikit. now i roughly know where i stand with my installation art. one down turn was i terserempak ngan E lagi. after so long of not talking or seeing one another in the eye he suddenly said my pet name that he coined me. sayu jugak skejap... reminiscence of the past suddenly washed over my memory. but the past is past. eventhough his memorabilia is still everywhere in my room i have a future to look forward to... R is MY FUTURE. and i want nobody to step in between. not even my past. i may think of you but i do not want you back.

2004-09-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

when all hope is lost should i throw my pride?
should i encover all the feelings that i kept inside;
that hurts me deep a pain that won't subside...
should or should i not put it aside?

when i start loving but i'm receiving pain,
is it me or is it you that's not ever gonna gain
to stop all wars that's been making us insane;
are you or are you not gonna put "us" main?

in my deepest slumber all the pain i keep
which slashes my heart cut-throat deep;
a bulk that hangs out a mountainside steep
something that were sewn and reaped.

2004-09-09T01:43:00.000+08:00

alot of crap happening these past few days... dont know why its always like this. sometimes i wished. just wished things arent so dramatic once in a while. i dont know whether im wrong or society's at fault... just leave me alone all of you... lemme be alone ok? let me sort out my thinking ok? you guys are making me crazy. let me live my life the way i want to. Fuck this shit! im so lost right now... cant eat cant sleep cant do anything right. should i change myself and how i view life again? or should i just go with the flow? r, sometimes i wished i could tell you what's happening but i dont wanna keep bothering you. there's so many things that i want to say but i just cant craft the words out of my mouth. some things are better left unsaid they say... but is that even true? if it's true isn't that supposed to make all wrongs go right? and all right be replenished? i know others are checking out my blog and all but what the fuck... if words cant come across to say out a certain matter than i do not know what would. i just hope for now i could have you by my side and cuddle next to you. i really need that. im not trying to whiny but i just need some comforting for now... i miss that.

2004-09-07T20:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes life can be so complicated. when life comes across as needing to choose someone over another, why cant you just stick to your choice? why must you put me on your throne? i know i won't fall for you but you're my friend's husband. please leave me alone. i dont wanna be the cause of you two fighting. i mean... how am i supposed to know that you have feelings for me? i respect you like a brother. not more than that. now i wished i've never met you. i'm happy now with whoever i'm with so why must you mess things up for everybody? god... you're a husband to someone! cant you get that into your head???? leave me alone. im happy now. let me choose who i want to be with and please dont over-rule that. i pray for your happiness with her and its ok if you wont do the same to me. im not asking for that anyway. just please... leave me alone. im happy with him and please make her happy too.

2004-09-06T01:30:00.000+08:00

anang abang muka hancur hajat ayahanda
alamatulhayat musnah fikirkan si muka
kusut minda hitam si putih sesoca
retak sayang sapu muka ceria

ah!!!!! shit ah... writer's block... apa lagi nak add ah?

2004-08-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

her tears fell. like rills on a mountainside it creased her porcelein face. it dripped like clear blood at the tip of her chin. her sobs were soft... almost mimic of a meowing kitten. she stared blankly at his face. her eyes deeply focused on his boyish smile. anna could not forget him.

"why? did i do anything wrong, danial? tell me... please...", anna pleaded to his photo as if wishing it would tell her what had gone wrong. her love for him was too deep. her thoughts were mostly of him nowadays ever since they quarrelled. she lost all track of time. she reminisced of an idyllic dream she once had. a dream which seemed to be so real to her. a dream that she hoped would come true between her and danial. but all was gone... shattered were the dreams of a happy ending, all fragments blown away and scattered by the wind.

danial was everything to her; her drive to wake up fresh, her will to stay alive. anna's well being deteriorated slowly when she lost him. till now, anna could not find an antidote to replace danial. if anna could turn back time she would gladly adhere to his words. but could she still have the chance? she silently hoped as her heavy eyelids closed shut, leaving her weary body to rest while she keeps on dreaming of the past...

2004-08-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

aku berkehidupan si pengemis cinta
meminta minta tanpa memaksa
kerna ku tahu tempat ku dimana
aku mengukur baju dibadan manira
tak pula meminjam sarira sesiapa
walaupun jijik aku juga manusia
walaupun ku fakir aku redha
mungkin syagar ku bukan di dunia
mungkin ia ternanti di syurga
biarlah daku mengemis juga
biarlah aku mencari mantera
biarlah aku mengacau merana
asalkan ku tahu aku tetap mencarinya
mencari sesuatu yang susah diterima
susah lagi diberi pula
tinggal lah riwayat si pengemis cinta
mengemiskan si dia walaupun merana

2004-08-27T16:28:00.000+08:00

memang pade reality sepasang kekasih akan selalu bertengkar... tetapi mengapa sehingga jadi sebegini?

2004-08-27T03:36:00.000+08:00

dunia aku ni memang persis novella. soap drama pon kalah. sometimes i wished this is all a dream.. tapi too bad its not. soap drama aku dibelengu penuh kedukaan... pening dibuatnye.. turut kata salah.. tak turut pon salah... tgh sabar tapi sampai bile? bukan nye ape... tapi aku penat nak jadi the one on the outside looking in.

2004-08-22T22:14:00.000+08:00

oh yeah~~~ went out with R's parents to Jln Kayu for dinner. I never ate THAT much in my life. there was beancurd hoteplate, cumi cumi, kang kong, pari bakar (oh yeah~), and lots more... i sure pity R, he has 2 LARGE PIZZAS to devour when he reach home... he bought those after work and before meeting his parents. his parents are nice couple though. i like his mom. very the animated and cute. she would blend in with my clique if she was my age. his dad, from what i can see is a knowledgeable man. very linguistically inclined thats for sure. well, everybody knows im like damn scared around people's parents espeacially if it's my boyfriend's parents. don't know why la... just nerve wreckin. been feeling that ever since i started dating. don't know whether i would make a good impression. never mind... must keep my paranoia in check. too paranoid brings destruction... heheh...

2004-08-21T01:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes just being 'there' for someone is not good enough...

2004-08-19T21:39:00.000+08:00

well, today i think we sounded like we used too... that's a relieve. i'm more myself today. i think it's gonna be ok. hopefully its ok. but i'm still wary of myself. i left early from BK. started to develop a headache. maybe its school. starting to hate it. i gotta take the cab just because i'm too damn tired to take the bus to school. school's no fun either. lotsa assignments burning on my ass. gotta take a break. maybe hitting johor next week. my brain cells are too damn congested. gotta think alot for my assignments... totally forgot about next week's term break. well i'm not gonna enjoy it anyway.

2004-08-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

well, we talked. but somehow i'm being reserved and i'm being careful with what i'm saying. i noticed that i'm trying very hard to be cautious of what i'm spurting. i don't wanna make the same mistake twice. but being reserved is just not me. maybe i just need some time. i don't know why i keep getting scared. i want things to be like they used too but everytime i tried to talk it just come out as "err.. ok", "ah" or other short answers. i'm not like my own usual chatterbox self. i'm so afraid of losing him that i get myself paranoid with it. i'm trapped in my own paranoia. if there was anyway i could turn back time i wished i could stop myself from initiating the fight between us. i wished i could... but now what's done is done. i just need to salvage what's left of it.

2004-08-17T19:59:00.000+08:00

have i lost him? i cried again after we parted ways today. he was angry with me. til now im still questioning myself whether asking for reassurances was wrong. am i? its true that he was the one who needed reassurances most but why can't i get it? did i asked too much of it? was i giving him the wrong ideas? am i too emotional? love is confusing yet insatiable. i hope he calls me. i hope he still cares. i hope this was all a dream. i hope he is still with me. when i tried to hold him he dismissed it. am i losing him? am i losing someone that is so dear to me? he walked away from me! he actually walked away from me. no i'm not angry just hurt. i know you needed the time to be alone but i just hated the feeling when i saw you walking off. yes im in the wrong. im wrong for being so pessimistic in this relationship. but am i wrong to feel that? i've told you of my past and how i was treated. you staying with me all these while was surprising to me. i didn't mean to provoke you at all. i didn't mean to have a fight with you. i didn't mean to make you angry. i'm so sorry for that. please... i still love you. please don't go...

2004-08-17T13:01:00.000+08:00

whats loving someone when you don't know whether who you're loving will be able to undergo the test of time? yes, i'm very much in love with R but what if he's just like the others? everybody has been keeping count of how many "victims" i had. loving someone sometimes is the most hardest thing that i do. i'm very scared. i'm scared of losing out in the end... i'm scared of falling too deeply and not returning back. i told R about what others had been saying about me but i didn't know whether he understood how i felt. i'm so sad that people are portraying me like a bimbo and a predator rather than a person. yes i have my faults but faults are meant to be mended right? i'm human too... can't i have a chance to repent? we had a little misunderstanding last night, and he logged off. i hated that feeling after that. i feel so lost. somehow i felt as if i lost R too. but i'm not ready to let go. i can't deny that i had fallen for him. someone who's matured enough to teach me more about life yet am able to connect with me. damn... i'm crying again. i did a whole lotsa that last night. i wasn't able to sleep. so i kept thinking about him. sometimes i wished i could be free to hold someone and not let go. to touch his hand and caress his cheek without taking notice of everything thats around me. maybe its my fault all along. maybe R was correct. i'm listening to much to what people say. but i can't help it. i didn't one him to know how bad i was. how incredulously inethical my character was last time. but i know one day he would need to know it too. he needs to know who i was and who i am now. i don't want to lose him. i still need him by my side. now that i'm closer to him i do not want to let go. i know couples will fight and i'm sorry if what i said had riled you. sometimes love may not last but please... make this last. for once, i want a fairy tale ending with you. R, i'm sorry even if you won't forgive me, i need to tell you that i love you.

2004-08-14T01:03:00.000+08:00

kisses so soft i can't feel...

dreams so distant yet so real

life so hard looking for an idyll

but nightmares immersing i can't kill

blinded by fog eyes in pain

heart shattered i'm going insane

reminisences flooding now feeling disdain

tried to stop it but all in vain

leave me alone and let me live

there's nothing to say; nothing to give

i'm spurting the truth nothing to sieve

this is what i feel up to you to believe

...<< sometimes to love you have to stop >>...

2004-08-10T00:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes,
Loving someone maybe the most unthinkable thing someone had ever done...

2004-08-05T00:29:00.000+08:00

i can't stop chasing

the time's started ticking

here i'm waiting

for whom i'm leaving

i know hearts are breaking

i know that you're slipping

i know you've start hating

cos i did some wrong doing

but please don't start leaving

on my knees and im begging

just need some time thinking

don't need no time wasting

so wait...

cos you know i'll start knocking

please wait...

cos you know i'm still loving

wait...

i'm awake i'm not dreaming

i know who i'm missing

i know you are hurting

i'm sorry for troubling

but i'm not denying

that all that i'm asking

is just for you to wait.

2004-08-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

lepaskan aku...
biarkan aku merana
biarkan aku digegarkan
meneliti episod gelora dunia
biar abang mukaku
biar hancur hasrat ayahanda
asalkan kekusutan minda hancur terela
biarkan aku didusta
biarkan aku diseksa
pastinya hidupku persis novella
biarkan si bunga bertukar warna
biarkan ia layu tidak bermaya
walaupun keharumannya tidak lagi dirasa
lepaskan diriku
jangan engkau tertanya tanya
kerana kelakuan ku ini berselit maksudnya
jatuhkan diriku ini
biarku bermain boneka
biarku rasakan apa maksudnya
DUNIA...

2004-08-02T23:44:00.000+08:00

memories are just there to be kept. i can't retrieve something thats intangible in my life but there'll always be new phases to move on to... but why must life be created to instill such multiple facades and should we as biomorphic life just stay there to withstand it or just walk away? over the past few weeks reminiscences of my past have somehow crept back into my life and what? am i supposed to pick up the pieces from where i had left? or should i face the world and start writing another chapter in my reality novella? sometimes i wonder what would the consequences be if i would just leave everything behind and start another fairytale but one more fairytale would be too much for me... somehow the characters in my books are always going through obstacles... but i still have hope for my prince charming. yes my faith in love had been dying but i had since learnt how it felt to open up to the world again... almost a month had passed and i feel as if i'm a withering flower nursing back to health. it sounds stretched but its the truth. now i pray that the flower would not die again... if it does, it'll cease to live another spring...

manira suci asmarandata

2004-07-20T21:57:00.000+08:00

Resah dalam gelisah menanti masa hati merana

Jiwa retak dek jatuh terhumban masuk gaung derhaka

Sayang hancur tergilis pabila kata tidak dikota

Layu tidak bernyawa kerana kata tidak bermakna

Nafas berombak ombak menanti kata kukuh prasangka

Tangan terkapai kapai meminta syagar dari sesiapa

Mulut tidak dibuka bertunduk diam bagai boneka

Salai dedaun cinta tetapi cinta apa maknanya

Pedih bebola mata aswad menjadi asmarandata

Resah tidak terkata wayang dunia tidak percaya

Sudah tinggi terapung tetapi rebah lagi kedunia

Jasad bagai yang tiada walaupun panas di dalam dada